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My mother used to say I was obsessed with marriage. Even as young as 12 or 13, I read books about marriage, and the process of getting there. I read Dr. James Dobson, I read Kevin Leman, I read anything Mom had on her shelf on the subject. I thought about it, I asked endless questions about it, I dreamed about it. From those early readings and a series that my youth pastor did with the youth group, an opinion about God's plan for relationships took shape. As I went further into my teenage years, I read more. A friend lent me some tapes to listen to that were influential; everything I came across contributed to my growing view. One reason I hold this view so strongly is that it is based on the principles that are clear in the Bible. The Bible has very little to say about getting into the marriage relationship, but it is obvious that the idea is to get there, and to get there safely - physically and emotionally. In America, the way most people do this is by a process called dating. This involves a series of dates with two people who are romantically inclined. However, there are several definitions of dating. Before we go further, we should be clear about what we mean by "dating." The American Heritage Dictionary gives this definition of a date: "An appointment, esp. an engagement to go out socially with a member of the opposite sex." That is pretty vague. The term dating really means more than that, and it has some different connotations. It is reasonably safe to define dating as a way to get to know someone in a superficial and romantically manipulated environment, with or without thought towards the future. It is a way, a system if you will, to handle a romantic relationship. Now there are several degrees of this which have all been labeled as dating, and can be listed under the above definition. The mildest version is merely going out with a bunch of friends, not necessarily in couples, and not necessarily romantic (Anderson). This, and going out with couples in the bunch, is called group dating. Casual dating is when there is interest and activities, but little commitment, and one could date several people at a time and still be ethical. The relationships here are not very serious, and therefore not exclusive. When relationships become more serious, dating starts to be something more. Two people who like each other will do something together, often in the form of movies and fast food. They are recognized as an item by the couple and by the public. It is an exclusive relationship. To have a similar one with another person at the same time is considered a serious offense. At this time, there is an explicit expectation as to what the behavior of the couple should be. Society expects them to have a certain level of physical intimacy depending on how long they've been together. This is evidenced in the guys' locker room boasts and girls' gossip groups. The couple also has this idea in themselves of what they're "supposed" to be doing. Perhaps holding hands after the first few dates, and if they really like each other, kissing, too. If they don't, something must be wrong in their relationship. They're not getting anything out of it. This eventually leads to the more "grown-up" version of dating, which generally means that the couple is sexually involved, from either giving in to the pressure of expectation or of temptation. For most of America, this dating system is normal. Once children reach puberty, and in essence the beginning of adult life, they desire to explore and express their newfound sexuality. They want to act like adults, who have matured sexually, and to form sexual relationships with whomever suits them. If their desires direct them into some action with some person, who are we to tell them otherwise? However, if their feelings change, or they realize that they are with someone with whom they don't get along, they should not be forced to stay with that person. They are free to choose whom they like, and free to escape if need be. What could be a better way for young people to learn about relationships? And what could be more normal and healthy than for young people to get into the habit of romanticizing with members of the opposite sex so they know what to do when they get married (Wilson 17)? On the other hand, I, along with a few others in the Christian community, view this system as being detrimental to relationships and leading into bad habits with sour consequences. For one thing, romantic relationships are encouraged much too early. They generally start in middle school, some reaching the most extreme forms while still young. This allows them to enjoy romance way before they are emotionally ready for a relationship that serious. They start on the path of sexuality when they still have years to go before they're morally allowed to finish it in marriage. Serious, intimate relationships are meant for adults, because they require maturity to be handled properly and with the right control. As we all know, kids always want to be like the older people, so a cycle of simulation starts that leads to young teens thinking that they should be dating someone. Consequently, many who date are immature; they're still kids. How can they be expected to handle a relationship of that nature just as their hormones are stirring up new emotions that they don't know how to control yet? But what is the purpose for forming a relationship? Some say to have fun right now. Some say to find the person you want to marry. God designed physical relationships between men and women as a parallel to His spiritual relationship with us (Bible, Ephesians 5:22-33). For Christians, the purpose for a romantic relationship should only be the means to an end - marriage - not the end itself. First dates rarely lead directly to the alter, no matter how long it takes, especially if dating starts early. But once Johnny has had a girlfriend and has broken up with her, it's very likely he'll have another one before too long. Now he better knows what to do. Once the cycle of relationships starts, it's hard to break (McDougall). From this cycle grows a lack of commitment in the relationships that are being formed. Suzy might say to herself, "He might not like me after awhile, and he's turning out be a jerk anyway, so I'd better be open to the possibility of a break-up. In fact, I'll want to anticipate it and do the dumping myself." This kind of shallow relationship leads to broken emotional ties for the person who is dumped, or even who does the dumping. In any case, breaking a relationship can be painful. In many cases, one or both participants have given away an irretrievable piece of their hearts to their former partners (Harris 17). Usually this is because the relationship was based on infatuation. In discussions with my mother, we outlined and defined some of the things that separate infatuation from true love. Infatuation is merely the romantic emotions without the basis of reality and commitment that would make it true love. It is foolish and passing, no matter how passionate. Any relationship built on infatuation is bound to disintegrate eventually. This is because infatuation is all about feelings, which are unstable. These fickle emotions will eventually go, and the relationship will go with it (Buller). On the other hand, true love stands fast, even when things are rough and you don't feel like loving him/her. It is control of your emotions and actions regarding the other person. Self-control is a sign that you are becoming more like Christ, which is the ultimate goal of Christians (Bible, Galatians 5:22-23). This includes control of the emotions. They are just as much a part of you as are thoughts and actions, and you can learn to harness them. You should control where your emotions take you; they should not control you. If they do, it is a sure sign of infatuation. Then when young people grow to be adults and try to decide whom to marry, all they know is this system of dating. It's how they've learned to find someone they like. Sometimes it works, but all too often their marriages end up like their past dating experiences. If Johnny's feelings changed and he didn't like Suzy anymore, he just broke it off and went on to the next person. In marriage, though, they'd have to go through a court to break up. We know that God hates divorce. Jesus said in Mark 10:9, "What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate" (Bible). Like athletes preparing for the competition, you are preparing for marriage in your young and unmarried lives. When you practice a cycle of dating and breaking up, you are setting yourselves up for doing the same thing in adult life (Helsel). This relatively modern system of handling relationships (Wilson 17) may very well be a major cause in the reason for the rising divorce rate in America, even among Christians. What you practice is what you perform. This is a very bad image of Christ we are projecting to the world. We should be set apart from them, being more holy, as God calls us to be (Bible, 1 Peter 1:14-16). We should not be bringing a worldly system into God's people to accomplish an end which God designed. We think it's the only way to do it, just because everyone else does. It has been proven defective, and we should not engage in its use. How can we strive for sexual purity when we immerse ourselves in a system that encourages fornication (Helsel)? Also, this system pushes the parents out of their children's lives, at least this part, before they are grown and ready to be on their own. God never intended parents to be left behind in the dark when their children need them most. The Bible shows clearly that parents are to be quite involved in their children's romantic lives. So you ask, "How will people meet each other and decide whom to marry without dating?" Well, there are many ways of meeting people without dating them. You must trust God to provide the right person at the right time. He has a plan for you that is good (Bible, Jeremiah 29:11), even for your romantic life. He will supply the best possible thing for you personally (Bible, Romans 8:32). Do you think God does not have the power to join two people, outside of the world's way, whom He intends to be together? Trust Him with everything, including your love life, and He will make it better than you could yourself. But isn't it good to have a lot of relationships to find what you do and don't like, and for the incredible experience of having numerous relationships? It only takes one to score. If you trust God to work things out, and just live your life in the meantime, it'll happen. Then you don't have to deal with broken relationships and partial hearts. Also, there are more ways of finding out what sort of qualities someone has than dating them. Church, school, extra-curricular activities, home - any place where people gather together is a good place to discover things about them. In fact, an informal, pressure-free setting will eventually bring out someone's real self much more than a date would. You can get to know someone better this way, and find out if you'd get along. So do you miss something by not dating? Probably. You'll miss the experience of becoming romantically entangled with people you won't marry. Maybe your first kiss was with that guy you now call a jerk, or the girl who's kissed just about everyone by this time. Do you miss something if you do date? Again, probably. You miss the joy of being single in your young years. You miss your first relationship being a good one because your parents are involved, and you're mature enough for it. Perhaps you even miss the joy of sharing your first kiss, and all the ones following, with just one person. You miss the fulfillment of knowing that this is the person God brought to you. You know this because you didn't have to go out and search. Now, you decide which part you prefer to miss. Alternatives to dating include formal courtship and what I call growing friendship. Formal courtship, also known as Biblical dating, heavily involves the parents of the young lady, particularly her father (Wilson 22). The couple is rarely alone, and then only in a controlled environment for short periods of time. The end goal is a marriage, if all goes well. Growing friendship is just that. Two people are first friends, and when they get the nudge from God, with the help of "chemistry" of course, they fall in love. That can progress into courtship or right into engagement, whichever is right in their circumstances. Anyway, the end is the same. It is not wrong to become romantically involved before getting married. I am in no way advocating marrying someone you don't know, or someone you're not attracted to. I'm merely opposing the way we go about romance these days. It is unhealthy and harmful to present and future relationships, assuming you'll have them. Dating is only one way of approaching marriage, and it is the most risky for your emotions and morals. It's going out of your way to hook someone romantically, and then pursue it in an environment that is not consistent with reality. Romance should not be the foundation on which we build our relationships, anyway. It is merely the icing on the cake of True Love. Works Cited Anderson, Amy. Personal Interview. August, 2000. Bible. The New American Standard. 1963. Buller, Judi. Personal Interview. 1999. Harris, Joshua. I Kissed Dating Goodbye. Sisters: Multnomah Books, 1997. Helsel, Gene. "A Critique of the American Dating System." The Watchman. McDougall, Daniel. Personal Interview. April, 2001. Wilson, Douglas. Her Hand In Marriage. Moscow: Canon Press, 1997. |